People Who Drive Big Cars

They get on my fucking nerves!

You know the types: male over forties with suntans and curly hair; wannabe footballers wives and scally-done-good drug dealers. They have those ridiculously big imported American things with eye-wateringly shiny chrome and four steps down from door to street. it's not enough that they're doing way more damage to the environment than they need to - that's for another post; it's the sheer arrogance of every one of them. I mean, like, if it were me, and somehow I'd managed to convince myself that I actually need a car the size of a small house, I'm certain that at the very least, I'd be a bit sheepish; a bit self-conscious about the way people might react to me. I'm sure I'd spend my time bumbling about like some inane clutz, trying to be overly nice to people, in the vain hope that they won't judge me an uncaring, boorish prick.

But no. Not these arrogant bastards. I'm yet to meet - or even hear of - one of these people being in the least bit apologetic about their needless materialism. This is evident in the way they drive their big shiny possessions: fearless, and totally careless. Like, "fuck it" what's the worse that could happen..."we'll be alright".

I know I'm generalizing, and ordinarily I'd try not to, but, if I'm honest, I can't think of a single reason to own one of these things, so every one of the fuckers is fair game.

What we should do is levy a charge on them every time they fill up with petrol. Something like, I dunno, 50% extra on top of the going rate. They could have their own special cards; bronze; gold; platinum, dependent on just how much they guzzle. Imagine it, they'd lap it up as well. You know the thing, like, 'you're a nobody if you don't have the super sexy platinum card...it marks you out as a real success'. The revenue raised could go towards a subtle, yet effective marketing campaign by Saachi & Saachi, aimed at getting them all to form an elite community, all living on the outskirts of Cheshire. I reckon it'd take about two years to get them all there: they act fast, these people - their eagerness to consume and acquire is relentless. Then, once they're all set up, we can build them one of those giant bubble things they had on that awful Star Wars film - the one with weird rasta cum fish man thingy Jar Jar Binks.

I'm no scientist (no shit) but I reckon 5 years, they'll be extinct. Yay!